b/c of that, I ain’t afraid to die. Call everybody back in…I want us to pray together.”
I prayed the prayer of salvation and led my mother,brother and sister to Christ…moments later my Mama took her last breath…
Although I didn’t always have the relationship w/Mama that I wanted, the last months w/her superceded everything else.  Being able to look past her flaws and love her w/o regard changed my life…and all I can do is be thankful for my Mama. She taught me how to love w/o limits…

re’ve always been known as the “Undesirables”.  Being from the smalltown Beckersville, everyone knows everybody and all of their business.
With that being said my Mama, Dana Payton and all of our business was always a topic of discussion for someone somewhere.
My Mama, Dana, has always been beautiful.  She has skin the color of coffee w/extra cream, wavy jet black hair that touches the middle of her back, a petite frame, and the prettiest thickest eyelashes that you would ever see.
She has a big family too. Her mother and father had 10 kids~6 boys and 4 girls.  My Mama was the youngest.
Church has always been a part of our family history.  The Paytons’ have been building churches since before I could remember. There are too many ministers in my family to count and it seems as if God gave our family more musical talent than anyone is in this small Georgia town.
But even w/all of the preaching, singing and confessing to be a Christian some things go unnoticed…or maybe even ignored. My Mama was being sexually abused.  One of her Uncles, the Usher on the door, was the culprit. 
This went on for years before my Mama said that she just couldn’t take it anymore.  She finally told her Daddy.  He was the Deacon of the church.  He was a hard working man that loved his family and just wanted to do right by them.
After my Mama told her secret all hell broke loose in town! My Granddaddy, the Deacon, was devastated…the innocense of the babygirl had been taken…by his wife’s youngest brother.
Not too long after this darkness was uncovered, my Granddaddy confronted the man his children used to call “Uncle Pete”.  Uncle Pete couldn’t deny the fact and his response was “I’m sorry Mack. Dana was just so pretty…I was just doing what the men in my family have always done”.  My Mama told me that for the first time she saw hate in her Daddy’s eyes…before Uncle Pete could say or do anything else,Granddaddy knocked him out cold.
After that, my Granddaddy went and talked to his father-in-law, Uncle Pete’s dad.  He told him that if Uncle Pete wasn’t out of town by the next day he was going to kill him…he also told him that none of the men from his family were ever welcome in his house again.
As the years went by this all took a toll on my Mama, Dana.  She knew that her father loved her and would always protect her but her mother was another story.
My Grandmother always resented Dana after the fact.  She told her that “somethings you just expect to happen in your family. And when they do, you accept it and move on.”  My Mama took a lot of the blame for Uncle Pete never coming back to Beckersville until after her Daddy died.

My Mama married young and had 3 children.  A son named Elias, a daughter Mariah and me, Alexander.
Our daddy left us when I was only a month old. Rumor has it that he moved to Chicago and was killed by some gangstas in a drug deal gone bad.
So from as far back as I can remember its always been my Mama and us.   We never had anything fancy but my Mama always worked hard to keep a roof over our head, food to eat and clothes on our backs.
When I was about 7 y/o my Granddaddy died and my Mama started to change. She started to drink more.  She has always been a social drinker. It was unusual for me to see her sip on a beer or two during family gatherings.
But when her Dad died everything changed.  I remember seeing her cry and her telling me that the only man who ever loved and protected her was gone…forever.
A beerbevery know and then turned in to daily habit.  Then one beer a day after work turned in to her drinking a six pack everyday.  Within a few years, my Mama had become a full blown functioning alcoholic.
My childhood and adoloscent years are a blur.  But I do remember my teens.  That’s when it seemed as if everything in family spinned out of control.
My brother Elias started selling drugs and w/in a year he was one of the biggest drug dealers in West Georgia.
My sister Mariah ended up in a Juvenile Detention Center for assault w/ a deadly weapon~she got into a fight and ended up beating the girl w/a steel pipe.
And then there was me Alex.  I got pregnant by my first boyfriend.  And at 8 months I delivered a stillborn. The feelings of having something that I wanted so bad be taken from me in an instant changed me forever…but for the best. I was determined to do more…to do better. I graduated from high school, went to community college, worked as a social worker in our local women’s shelter.
By the time I was 24 y/o, my first boyfriend Edward and I got married. He was a head college football coach and studying to become a minister.
Within the first few years of marriage, we were doing great! We bought a beautiful 5 bedroom home that had a guest house in the back. Not soon after moving in we found out that we were expecting twins.
My relationship w/my family had been strained over the years. My sister was still in and out of trouble, my brother had distance himself by moving to another city and my mother was drinking herself into a stuper on daily basis.
I woke up one morning w/my mother on my soooo heavy and I decided that I was going to go see her. When I got to her apartment and saw her, I was brought to tears. She looked so sad and frail. Her long black hair was tangled on her head and she looked as if she had aged at least 15 years in the face.
When she saw me crying she said “Alex I’m sorry…I just couldn’t give you what I ain’t got myself”.
My heart dropped and all I wanted to do was love her in that moment. I sat beside her on the couch and just hugged her…
I looked up and didn’t even realize that my husband Edward had been standing in the door way. He said ” Alex, get your Mama’s things. She’s coming home w/us”
That day my Mama moved in w/us. Edward had already bought everything that she needed to make the guest house her home. The next day when she was sober my Mama settled in…she didn’t say much but I could tell that she was happy to be w/us.
The next few months were remarkable. Mama had been doing great. She was sober and seemed to really enjoy her new home. She helped me a lot w/the preparations for the twins. I was just thankful b/c I knew that God had restored our family!
The next month I went into labor. The twins were born healthy and all was well. I even called my siblings to see if we could all get together for a family dinner that next week.
That next Sunday came and it was time for us to all get together. Honestly I was really nervous b/c we hadn’t all been together in years. Once we al got passed the initial awkwardness of the moment, things went well. We talked, we laughed, we got to know each other better~it was great.
That next month my Mama told me that she wanted us to get together again b/c she needed to talk to us.
After everyone got to my house ad settled in, my Mama cleared her throat, exhaled deeply and said “I’ve got something to tell y’all. The Doctor said I got cancer…its too far gone to do any treatment. I’m sorry I haven’t been the Mama I should have been. But I pray y’all will let me now…”
The cming months were hard but glorious at the same time. My Mama talked to us like never before. She told us about her childhood and how it affected her. She was so open and honest…about the abuse and how drinking had been her great escape. My brother and sister practically moved in. We all wanted to be w/Mama and take care of her the best we could.
We had many late night talks, early breakfasts and many, many laughs. But her last week w/us was different. It was more quiet. The hospice nurse cameand told us what we didn’t want to her but knew…death was near.
It seemed as if Mama lost most of her strength in one day. Her breathing was heavy and you could tell w/every breath that she took, she was fighting to have one more moment here on earth.
Late that evening, Mama seemed to improve some. She was able to talk and her breathing had quieted down. We were all sitting by her bed and she said in almost a whisper w/tears streaming down her cheeks “I need to talk to y’all. Be yourselves…for the last time”.
One by one, Mama talked to my brother and sister. As each of them went into her room they shut the door behind them. As they came out, tears streamed down their faces.
Lastly, it was my turn. I walked in and sat down beside her on the bed and said “Hey Mama”.
She smiled at me and told me to go get my husband and her babies.
My husband & I came back into the room and layed the twins in bed w/her. Mama looked at them, smiled and through tears said ” I want to say thank you. Thank you for loving me enough to give me what I hadn’t felt since my daddy died…love. You gave me a home and a chance to be something special to these babies. Thank you…Alex, you a good mama. You the mama I wanted to be but couldn’t. Y’all got a good family here…and Edward you a good man. You love Alex, I can tell…and that makes me happy. Y’all been good to me…and b/c

“All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord”~that’s what kept running through my mind as I lay in the hospital bed…in pain and in disbelief.
“Kara Watkins? Hi my name is Elisa McNeil and I’ve been assigned by the hospital Social Worker to be your Advocate.”
“Ummm…hello. Why do I need an advocate?” I said as I tried to sit up w/o yelling out from pain.
“Well, Kara. You’ve been through a traumatic experience in the last day or so. I’m here to support you in any way that I can and also to walk you through the next steps, if you will let me.”
“What do I do next?” I said through tears.
“Tell me about you Kara…then tell me what happened yesterday.”
“Well, I’m 26 years old and I’m the host of a local Christian radio show…for young women. I don’t have any kids, I’m the only child…my parents died in a car accident a few years ago. So…its just me. I have a few close friends and I go to a great church but other than that, its just me.”
As I sat there and talked to Elisa, I felt safe. I felt like she really cared.  Then the thought hit me~wow, this was the first time since the “incident” that I felt concern.
“Kara, I know this hard and I know that you’ve been through so much…so if you need more time, I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you’re ready.” Elisa said in such a gentle voice, just an octave above a whisper. Then she reached for my hand as a single tear dropped from her right eye.
I profusely started to wipe the tears from my eyes. Thinking that this is the first time that I’ve cried since it all happened, since my whole life changed.
“Ummm…the other night I got off of work late. I had so much work to do for an upcoming interview that I stayed after hours at the studio. My friend Shay offered to pick me up whenever I was done but I didn’t call her…I didn’t want her to come across town just to drive me three block to my condo. So I decided that I’d walk. I’d be ok, I reasoned w/in myself. It will only take five minutes.”
Soooo many emotions started to flow through me. Guilt, worry, shame~I felt it all.
As I opened my mouth to finish telling Elisa what happened…something different, unexpected escaped my lips.  Sobs, praises, worship and all at once.
As I cried out to God I told Him that I trusted Him, that even though this horrible event happened to me, I believe. I believe that He loves me and that this will work out for my good.
As I looked up, w/my eyes full of tears I saw Elisa crying w/ her hands in the air “Yes God…this will work together for her good…Lord I thank you for heart being yours even in the midst of this…”
After this I was finally able to talk about what happened.
“I was raped…when I got to my door and turned the key, I felt something on the back my head and I could hear someone breathing…as I tried to tun around the man told me to stop and that if I even thought about screaming it would be over for me. Then he told me to open the door and go in. I walked in and I immediately ran toward the kitchen. The man pointed his gun at me andtold me to sit on the couch before I end up in a body bag…as I sat down I realized that something bad was going to happen. This guy didn’t even attempt to cover his face and the look in his eyes…it was cold and I could tell that his heart was hard.” As I stopped talking I looked out of the window…
“How could someones heart be so hard? After that he made me get undressed and then it happened…he raped me. The entire time I felt as if my screams were stuck in my throat…and all I could was cry…”
“After he left, I just cried. I don’t know how muh time passed but eventually I was able to get up and call 911. An ambulance came, I was transported to the hospital and they did a rape kit…they took blood to test for STDs, took my clothing, swabbed my mouth, under my nails and even my vagina…then I had to take a pregnancy test…”

Almost a month has passed since the rape and I must admit…things have been tough. I’ve had nightmares, I’m constantly looking over my shoulder and the thought of being pregnant has been a worry that hasn’t subsided…
But throughout it all, I’ve had support from my Advocate Elisa and my close friends. In those times when I didnt know what to say or do, they’ve been there. They’ve prayed for me and w/me, they’ve came to check on me even when I told them I was ok and on those days when they’ve called and I couldn’t even say hello b/c of the tears…they rushed to be by my side, wipe my tears and just be w/me.

As I sit on my window sill, look out the window and reflect…my phone rings… as I answer it, I hear a slightly familiar voice. “Kara, hi this is Tami your nurse from your hospital stay a few weeks ago. I have some important information for you, do you have a minute talk?”
I immediately stood up and braised myself for whatever she had to say~”Hi Tami. Yes I’m available to talk. How did all the tests go?” I asked as my hands began to sweat.
“Well Kara…the good news is that both you HIV/AIDS and STD tests both came back negative…ahem…your pregnancy test is positive. I do have info on hand for a very good doctor that would perform the procedure to terminate the pregnancy.”
Then what seemed like an hour there was an awkward silence.
“Thanks for all your help Tami, but I won’t be needing that info. Have a great day.”
As I hung up the phone, only one thing came to mind~”All things work together for the good for those who love the Lord”~although this situation wasn’t ideal…life has been created in the midst of my darkest hour. And that in itself, is for my good…

Last week I completed a Bible Study on 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices w/the truth.
It always protects, alays trusts, always hopes always perserveres.”

These verses spoke to me loud and clear!
I realized that me loving someone isn’t based on how they act or the current status of our relationship.

Love goes past hurt feelings and disappointments, to honestly and earnestly, pray for others.
Love thinks and expects the best for people even when they speak against you.
Love is kind and authentic even when others are short and are playing the avoidance game.
Love is humble and willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

Overall, I learned that me loving like Christ doesn’t depend on the actions of others…it’s about me seeing others the way God does.
My plan is to love at all costs…what about you?

I’m at peace…
Not because of what I have or what I’ve done.
I’m at peace because I know who I am.  For so long this has been the question that lingered in my mind ” Who am I really?”.
At this very moment, in the midst of this peace, I know Who I am.  I know that I am created to be…not just do.
I am created to BE love.
I am created to BE a light.
I am created to BE the answer to someone’s prayer…
Knowing who I am has giving me a peace that I’ve never known…it’s given me the wings that I needed to fly beyond doubt, insecurities and shortcomings.
Peace~it’s what I needed to go beyond what I could ever imagine.

This picture is my weekly writing prompt for Bloggy Moms Writer’s Workshop!

Today is Mother’s Day…a day that’s dedicated to the love, work, and drive of great mothers!
My mother died 4 years ago. The things that I remember most about my mom was her loyalty and the fact that I never heard her complain. 
When my aunt was suddenly diagnosed w/terminal cancer in 2004, my mom took care of her.
I can still recall the moment the doctor told our family that my aunt had terminal breast cancer that spread to her liver~and that he didn’t expect her to live for another 2 weeks and that his final recommendation was that she go to hospice.
Through tears and the shock of hearing that her baby sister was dying, my mom told my Aunt’s husband that she didn’t want her sister to go hospice and that no one could take care of her better than she could.
For the next few months I seen my mom take an unexpected leave of absence from work and totally commit herself to taking care of her sister. She cooked, cleaned, bathed her, combed her hair…she totally gave all of who she was to my Aunt when she needed it most~she was loyal.
Then just 4 short years later, my mother was then diagnosed w/lung cancer. The first time I seen her in the hospital after her diagnosis, I just remember how small and fragile she looked in her hospital gown.
My eyes got teary and I stopped dead in my tracks.
My mother, down 3 lbs from her normal 102 lb weight and petite 5 foot frame, looked me square in the face and said “Don’t come in her w/all that crying. I’m gone be alright”…
Wow, in the very face of adversity there was no complaints, no why me’s, no anger~just faith that there would be a better tomorrow.
So to all the Mother’s I salute you!
I hope and pray that as you take the journey of motherhood daily that you reflect and be grateful for the great gift of being the first teacher that your child(ren) will ever know…make the best of every moment! Happy Mother’s Day!

Today I was told some news that honestly disturbed me…
My mind immediately started racing to what I did and how my intentions were to be a help.
I wanted to defend myself!!!
Never do I want anyone to think wrongly about me or my family; especially when our hearts were pure in the matter.
And then I prayed…
I prayed for God to open a door for me to be able to have a conversation w/this person to give the proper perspective.
But then I had a thought…the truth doesn’t need to be defended. I know my intentions and so does God and that’s all that matters to me.
If God presents an opportunity for me to address the situation great, but in the meantime I refuse to dwell on the matter.  It will take a bit of discipline and speaking the Word over my mind/thoughts but I’m not willing to let this situation take me out of the presence of God and into the land of “what if”. 
So, it’s time to let the truth, my truth, be my defense…

Last night my hubby asked me a question “Are you being challenged?”…
This question really got me thinking. Am I being challenged? Are the people around me challenging me to do more, be more? Or am I “the cream of the crop” in my circle?

To be honest, I haven’t been challenged a lot lately.  My “circle” has gotten a lot smaller, so most of the time it’s just me. But I haven’t been pushing myself.  To be quite frank…I think I’ve gotten into the “mommy rut”.
The “mommy rut” is where most of my time and energy are focused on my kiddies, their needs, and taking care of our househodd~which is great b/c everything on the homefront is running a lot smoother. But there’s still that small place in me that dreams of more…and I can feel the bite of unfullfillment settling into my very being.
I love to write but lately I haven’t been too inspired. And my dream of being a published author, and a great blogger, have been put on the back burner.
As I write this, I ask myself why? The answer is…fear.
Fear of success. Fear of working hard and pushing past all that is familar. Fear of what people will say b/c I’ve put something that is important to me before anything them or what they deem as important.

But today is a new day! I am up for the challenge of pushing past the familar. I know that this journey for me won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
I want to make my hubby and kids prodd. I want my kiddies to see their mom do something great and live out God’s best daily.
So, it’s time for me to set my plan!
As I go forth in my planning, I pray that you go forth in greatness…to live your best life now! Are you up for the the challenge???

Have you ever had a really desperate moment? I mean just a longing for something or someone who shouldn’t even matter…and in reality they don’t matter??
Yep…I had one of those moments today.
I was at the gas station and I saw someone that I haven’t seen in years~ I mean pre-marriage days! 
I saw this person and I wanted sooooo bad to let them know that I was no longer the person that I used to be. I wanted them to see that I had matured…I would even say that I am now “walking in my womanhood”. I wanted to smile as I told them that I was doing great, my family is the best and that my hubby and are I soon about to celebrate our 7th year of marriage.
When I got home, I asked myself why?
Why did that moment matter so much?
And really what satisfaction would have come from it?
In that instance I had to repent.
I repented for my moment of desperation…and for also looking for my something that I can only find in Christ~acceptance and identity.
This moment showed me how easy it was for me to want to prove that I’m different than I used to be…not b/c I wanted to lift up Jesus but b/c in my own selfisness and insecurity, I wanted to prove that I’m better and what they saw before was no longer who I was back then…
But what I realized is that in the midst of me trying to make a point, I was also tryng to exalt myself and take credit for what God has done through me and for me…
It’s not my job to put myself on a pedestal…it’s my job to live my life for God~and He’ll do the rest!
No more desperate moments for me~only grateful ones…