What I Didn’t Know I Needed…



This past weekend, my oldest sister turned 48 years old and she had a party. It was her first party and her only child planned and hosted it (insert tear). If I am being real, I was so apprehensive about going…this was basically going to be a family gathering with all the people I hadn’t seen since our sister’s funeral in November 2018 and prior to that it had been 10 years-and yes you guessed it-another funeral (my mother).








But man when I tell you my heart is full…it is full. To see my sister celebrated by her daughter, after all they have been through, is enough in itself. But for me to be able to spend time with my Only Big Brother…the first man that I ever loved, was what I really needed. To laugh and have heart talks with my mom’s sister, brother and cousins was the icing on the cake.





I always thought that I was ok with not having a relationship with my family…I was so wrong.





I didn’t know how much missed them until seeing them. I didn’t know that what I needed most, I just had to reach out for….

Beauty in the Different…





A few weeks back, I took our son (number 5) to the doctor. This doctor visit was out of pure exhaustion and wanting to make sure that as parents we were putting everything in place so that our child will thrive and have the tools needed to be his best self.





Well, I got a call yesterday morning from his doctor. He had met with his collegues, reviewed number 5’s IEP, paperwork and along with his personal interaction he had a diagnosis…ADHD. If I am being completely open, this diagnosis didn’t surprise me, but it did knock the wind out of me…





We went over the game plan: therapies, meds and follow-up. I was writing all the info down but my head was swimming. Swimming in the what-ifs.





What if my son is labeled? What if he is seen as aggressive and bad instead of as rambunctious and determined? What if an inability to focus is seen as laziness? What if?





Then came the tears…then came the focus: Him. Our focus is to pray, speak life and do everything that we can to ensure our son’s success.





Is it going to be easy? Probably not. But what I do know is that not only am I his mother, I am number 5’s biggest advocate.





Love. Advocate. Learn. Correct. Teach. Build New Rhythms. Create a Pathway for the Unexpected. See the Beauty in What’s Different.





That’s my plan…and I am sticking to it.

My Quarantine Top 5…





Like so many others, being quarantined has been a little rough. However small, there have been some brights spots.




Here’s my top 5 favs during quaratine:



  • Liberex Facial Cleansing Brush -Yall, I have no idea why I didn’t buy this thing sooner but it is amazing!
  • L.A. Girls Ultimate Intense Auto Eye Liner-its stays put and makes it easy for me to do a subtle cat eye (while homeschooling and cooking 430 meals a day)
  • Pocket Planner-I admit I am a planner junkie! But with nowhere to go, my regular a6 sized planner has alot of white space. The pocket planner is the perfect fix!
  • The Office-this show has become a nightly ritual for my husband and I! The dry humor is the best…and I might have taken an online test and had alot in common with Dwight:/
  • Plants-I have became a house plant addict! The fresh greenery makes me smile and is an inexpensive way to brighten any room.




No matter how small, I hope that you have something that brings you joy!

Motherhood is

When I was younger, motherhood for me was so much about what other people thought. yes I wanted to do everything that I could to take care of my children, love them, teach them to love God, and create great moments but SOOOOO much of it was based on looking like a good mother. I wanted other people to think that I was a good mom.

I thought that if people thought that I was a good mom surely then I would be a good mom…because truthfully speaking for so much of my life I felt as if I wasn’t enough, not seen, insignificant, and unwanted, heard that I wasn’t enough and over time that was ingrained into my very being. And if you add on top of that the trauma of having parents who had their own personal/addiction issues that at times kept them from being present and the healthy, best versions of themselves- you have a recipe for disaster.

My motherhood journey started out as me trying to do and be everything that I thought my mother wasn’t. I became a stay at home mom, volunteered or spearheaded every preschool event, became a stickler about behavior and did everything that I could to be the mother that I didn’t have. It was exhausting…tiring mentally and emotionally always thinking that I wasn’t a good enough mom and that if people didn’t know that I was a terrible mom, it was only a matter of time before they found out.

And then things started to change. I think one of the most important breakthroughs that I had was giving my mother grace. GRACE...to simply honor, empathize with and grasp one simple truth: my mother did all she knew to do. It couldn’t have been easy loosing her mother at the age of twelve and being the oldest of five. It couldn’t have been easy being the single mother of three by the age of twenty-two. It couldn’t have been easy for my mother to be in an abusive marriage, do everything alone and not have a safe place to process her feelings and trauma or grieve all of the many losses in her life. It couldn’t have been easy to keep going but she did…Grace not only changed me but changed my perspective on motherhood.

Motherhood is so much more than the phyiscal aspect of having and meeting the needs of a child. It is also dealing with and healing your own wounds so that the picture that you paint for your babies will be so much clearer and brighter and have depth that speaks to the very soul of the person looking at it…motherhood is a picture that will be passed from generation to generation…praying and believing that my picture will be perfect reflection of God’s goodness❤

Our Number Five…





This pandemic has been alot of things…





long. exhausting. restful. restless. a time to think. draining.





Being an introvert being in the house all the time isn’t that bad for me. I can only dream of a time when I could be stuck in a hotel room with my books, planners, Youtube and unlimited snacks. However, being a wife and mom of six has lead to no such thing. My days have been long dealing with virtual learning, staying on watch for completed assignments, breaking up fights and of course cooking unlimited amounts of meals.





The one thing that has stood out more than anything else is our number five struggling with his behavior. In hindsight, we knew that this could be an issue. Number 5 has dealt with alot, even while his was in the womb. His bio mother struggled with addiction, mental health issues, abandonment and trauma after trauma. So Logically, we knew there could be some opposition. Especially since my husband worked in mental health for years…it was never that far from the front of my mind.





Maybe because we have been on quarantine, and his schedule from school is totally out of whack, Number five has been on the struggle bus a lot more behaviorally. I cant tell you the amount of times that I am redirecting, breaking up fights, running after, cleaning up the messes of, and yes much to my regret, yelling. Our days are long!!!! And honestly my buddy is with the mayhem and adventure from the time he gets up (at the very crack of dawn) until the time he closes his eyes- when he closes his eyes (bedtime is a whole notha’ story).





So early last week I decided to make him a doctor’s appointment (after I broke down in tears and talked myself out of running far, far away). It was a moment of acknowledgement for me…acknowledging the fact that I was at the end of my rope and that more than anything I wanted to get the process started on getting our son the help (and us the tools) needed so that he can thrive, self soothe and know that no matter what circumstances he was born into, he was made for our family and that God has so much goodness in store for him.





Getting ready for the doctor’s appointment was harder than I thought it would be– I was acutely aware of the fact that I was a black mom who was advocating for her son who has so much going on in his little heart and mind, due to no cause of his own. All feelings aside, we got the ball rolling. We have started the journey to be parental advocates for the mental and emotional well-being of Number 5, a splendid little soul.





So, I’m rolling with it. I am going with the thought that this hurdle is no surprise for God and that this is all a part of the plan…to love people well…even when it’s hard…even when the road looks to be uncertain…





Come what may…I’m rolling it…

COVID19…How are You Maintaining????

Does this feel like a dream to anyone else besides me??? We have been at home for about two weeks and yes I have most of the same gripes as other moms everywhere….my little boos’ are off schedule, eating up all the food, constantly on my leg (literally-the toddlers), and are a little grumpy about doing their schoolwork from home. And please lets not add the mass amount of cleaning that I do daily. Seriously, today alone I have vacuumed at least three times and it isn’t even four o’clock yet!

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

However, even with all the uncertainty, chaos and adaption to a new normal, what I can say is that if nothing else, I see God redeeming the time. I am always feeling like I don’t have enough time with my family, I’m not being intentional enough with reaching out to people I know/care about, praying for others…like really interceding and going before God to just be with Him without rushing and not because I need something in that very moment, just to know Him…to hear Him, to feel connected to Him…

So, that’s how I am maintaining….

~By taking the time do to the things that felt time wouldn’t allow (ie, kickball games with kiddies, family walks)

~Creating a new schedule for our new normal

~Keeping our home clean ( I can think better when there is less clutter)

~Reaching out to others (text, social media)

~Prayer (been reading over and praying Psalm 91)

I pray safety and protection over you friends…and that you have the energy and space to maintain and thrive in a new normal<3

He Belongs…

So today was one of those days…the days where there is absolutely no reasoning with your toddler who is doing theee most, raising absolute hell with no regard for your sanity or schedule.

So let me give you a little bit of the backstory on our oldest toddler (by ten months). Big boy U is three years old, meets no stranger and if by chance, you even thought of telling him that I wasn’t his mama, you’d definitely have a fight on your hands. We brought Big boy U home with our family when he was just three weeks old. I know his biological mom and you can say throughout the years, I have tried to be a mentor/big sis to her. Unfortunately, she has had some struggles. Growing up in foster care, mental health, teenage pregnancy, drug addiction/abuse, and homelessness are just a few. So when we got the call that she had given child services our contact info due to her newborn needing a home or would be placed in foster care, I knew that we would be loving on this little baby.

But what I didn’t know was all that would come with him; the unexpected world wind that comes with dealing with foster care and the twist and turns that happen to a child who was exposed to illegal drugs and alcohol while in the womb. The first few months I literally had to put him on my chest to put him to sleep. He would cry and shake uncontrollably. After the first few days of this happening, I took Big boy U to the doctor. With a look of sympathy and a voice filled with confidence, the doctor told me that this was normal due to Big boy being exposed to drugs and alcohol throughout the pregnancy. He told me to hold him close to me, tightly, throughout these tremor episodes and eventually they would pass.

Honestly, these three years have been a little rough. Listen, I am so not used to all that goes in to this. Yes, we have a total of six children, but let the record show that I am the mom that can give my children the “look” and hey get their lives together. So for me to have to be in the midst of the extreme tantrums, anger, screaming, disobedience and sometimes hurt that can come from my sweet boy, I have totally been out of my hook-up. I’m not used to this. I’m not used to dealing with so much from such a small package….

So, I’m learning.

I am learning to be patient. I am leaning to be calm and consistent, even when my guy is in full meltdown mode.

I am learning to hold him close and allow him to adjust to my heartbeat when his is racing.

I am learning to speak in an even, kind tone although there is so much screaming happening all around me.

I am learning to redirect negative behaviors.

I am learning to advocate for my child, the ins and outs of IEP’s and to not take the stares and uncomfortable looks of others personally.

But most importantly, I am learning that there were no mistakes made. Without a doubt, I know that Big Boy U being our son is God ordained. He was meant to be with us. So learning to teach, love, discipline, advocate and redirect him with love, and without breaking his spirit, is my mission…not easy, but for sure, it belongs to me.

Praying for Parents…

In light of all that has happened in the past few days, there has been a sadness. If you’ve watched ESPN or even glanced at social media, you can feel the weight of shock and sympathy for Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gigi, and the other passengers on the helicopter that mean so much to so many…

I dont have anything enlightening or super soothing to say. All I do have is a praying heart for parents…

Lord, I pray that you cover our children in your grace and protection. I pray that as parents, we be able to love our babies well and give them all that they need to become all that you have called them to be. Father, I pray that our homes be a peaceful place for our children to learn, grow and make beautiful memories. Father, I pray that you strengthen us as parents to speak into our children, nurture their gifts, correct them lovingly and teach them to love you and others well. God, I pray that we be impactful as parents and that when we do see You, that you tell us well done….In Your Precious Name, Amen

Silo Living??

Wednesday morning, as I was getting ready, I had a thought…”no more silos”.  At first, I didn’t think too much of it but then I started pondering it.

Have I been living in a silo?? Do I isolate myself?  If I’m being completely honest is that silo living is easy for me.  That’s how I grew up.  There wasn’t too much community, it was just us.  It was always the underlying life lesson that “what happened in this house, stays in this house”.  There was no doing life together.  Even if something wrong or out of the ordinary happened it was never addressed and as if people turned a blind eye to whatever it was going on.

Before November of last year silo living was my thing.  My comfort zone. I am a introvert and being alone is my sweet spot.  Going through things and pushing past the pain and/or hurt to keep up a sense of normalcy is how I grew up, it’s what I seen all my life. All that I was used too.  Then tragedy hit…my older sister, who shared our home with us, died unexpectedly.  It was like my silo could no longer survive…I needed people, I needed community.  Looking back, I don’t know if I would have mentally/emotionally survived without the love and care of others.  People came in and did the things that I just did not have the capacity to do; cooking, cleaning, taking care of my children…just being there to catch my tears and pray healing over my heart.

My silo living has so shifted to communal living…and I’m okay with that because I seen all the good that came through the people in my community.

2020…Do You Have a Word?

Can I admit that I could not think of a word for 2020 until a couple of days ago??? Yes, I have thought about it, tried to journal through it, and all the things but there was absolutely nothing coming to mind….

There are definitely things that I plan to improve on.  A list of things that I need to do has been sitting readily available in my planner, but I just could not think of one word that I could put my all into for this new year.

And then it came.  I was watching something and people were paying tribute to a great woman.  One of the words that stuck out to me was “IMPACT” (definition: can refer to a physical force, an influence or a strong effect).  Whoa….that one word carries so much weight but has so much love, humility and giving attached to it.

Impact…That is my word.  I want to have an impact, positive/godly of course, on those around me.  Not in an arrogant, look at me type of way. But in a wow, I can learn from her/I can do whatever because I’ve seen her do it too.  I want my life, the things that I am doing and have been through, to be an example of faith and not giving up to someone else.  If another mom can be encouraged because they see me not totally loosing it with my six littles, that’s impact.  If my children can see me loving their dad and tuck it in their heart as it being a part of what marriage looks like, that’s impact.  If one of the young moms I mentor can take to heart one of the conversations we have and it creates a spark in her to do something different; to see herself differently, that’s impact.

My word for 2020 is Impact…and doing what it takes to live my life as such, even in the midst of the mundane.