When I was younger, motherhood for me was so much about what other people thought. yes I wanted to do everything that I could to take care of my children, love them, teach them to love God, and create great moments but SOOOOO much of it was based on looking like a good mother. I wanted other people to think that I was a good mom.
I thought that if people thought that I was a good mom surely then I would be a good mom…because truthfully speaking for so much of my life I felt as if I wasn’t enough, not seen, insignificant, and unwanted, heard that I wasn’t enough and over time that was ingrained into my very being. And if you add on top of that the trauma of having parents who had their own personal/addiction issues that at times kept them from being present and the healthy, best versions of themselves- you have a recipe for disaster.
My motherhood journey started out as me trying to do and be everything that I thought my mother wasn’t. I became a stay at home mom, volunteered or spearheaded every preschool event, became a stickler about behavior and did everything that I could to be the mother that I didn’t have. It was exhausting…tiring mentally and emotionally always thinking that I wasn’t a good enough mom and that if people didn’t know that I was a terrible mom, it was only a matter of time before they found out.
And then things started to change. I think one of the most important breakthroughs that I had was giving my mother grace. GRACE...to simply honor, empathize with and grasp one simple truth: my mother did all she knew to do. It couldn’t have been easy loosing her mother at the age of twelve and being the oldest of five. It couldn’t have been easy being the single mother of three by the age of twenty-two. It couldn’t have been easy for my mother to be in an abusive marriage, do everything alone and not have a safe place to process her feelings and trauma or grieve all of the many losses in her life. It couldn’t have been easy to keep going but she did…Grace not only changed me but changed my perspective on motherhood.
Motherhood is so much more than the phyiscal aspect of having and meeting the needs of a child. It is also dealing with and healing your own wounds so that the picture that you paint for your babies will be so much clearer and brighter and have depth that speaks to the very soul of the person looking at it…motherhood is a picture that will be passed from generation to generation…praying and believing that my picture will be perfect reflection of God’s goodness❤