What Will It Look Like?

If I’m being completely honest, it’s on 10:15am and I’m ready to call it quits for the day. I’m a my wits end. I’m tired. I’m irritated. I’m embarrassed. I’ve ugly cried.

I’m the mother of a 5 year old child who has ADHD, possibly ODD, and sensory issues.

We brought our son home at 3 weeks old. As fast as it seems, the days are longer than I could ever imagine. I don’t wake up to a quiet house or the smell of coffee brewing. I’m usually met with chaos, yelling and some type of disarray. There is rarely a moment of peace. It’s usually a fight with a sibling, a mess that needs to be cleaned or yelling bc he didn’t get his way.

Yall it’s hard. It’s draining. It’s exhausting.

Just today we went to our usually weekly event and he ran through the parking lot. When I finally caught him and got him in the building, he ran out again. I dragged him back inside to where he ran under a table…finally, I called it quits and just scooped him under one arm, grabbed my younger son by the hand and left. It was too much. Chaos makes me anxious and I feel like everything is unraveling. And on top of all that, I feel horrible that my youngest missed out on being involved in something that he loves. But I guess right now, this is what my life looks like.

And If I’m letting you see my heart, this sucks. I amd in the very midst of discomfort and everything that I hate. And I hate that I hate it… I hate that I am not just letting all of this roll of my back. I hate that I don’t feel gracious. I hate that even though I’m praying, seeking medical providers, creating routines and doing all that the books say that I should, our son is still not okay. I mean if I feel like this as the mother, I can’t imagine the unrest and chaos that’s swirling in his head, body and heart 24/7…

What will the future look like? What does advocating for and loving our son well look like? What does it look like to love our other 5 children well while navigating through his behavioral issues without neglecting their needs?

What will it all look like?

I can’t say. But what I can say is that I have to take this moment to regroup and redirect negative behaviors. For my own sanity, I can’t live in the “what if” mode.

I can’t say for sure what it will all look like but I can continue to put the blocks in place to build a steady and firm foundation. I’ll continue to learn and apply what I can while teaching him the tools to calm himself and self correct. I’ll continue to pray and have him speak good things over himself. We will continue to consult with his doctors and adjust when we need too. I’ll continue to start over minute by minute.

And I’ll continue to trust God that it will all look exactly as I should…

Chapter Forty-One…

My birthday was yesterday…I turned 41 years young. Being in the 40’s club has been good for me, for the most part.

The one thing that I realized is that I have to be. See, I spent my 20’s and a good portion of my 30’s doing. Doing all the things that I thought I was supposed to do to be the ideal woman, Christian, wife and mother.

That was exhausting…

I didn’t have joy. All I had was obligations and things to check off of my to-do lists. But I didn’t feel as if I had purpose unless I was doing what appeared to be purposeful.

I was in it to make people OK, make sure that everyone was content except me.

Then one day I just stopped. I stopped doing what others wanted and stopped caring what they thought. Honestly, it was the best feeling ever. My mantra became “I walk in my purpose on purpose”.

Purpose means saying no. It means not making someone else’s emergency my own. It means being in the moment. Enjoying my husband and children. Going all in to love them and support them well. It means going to mini vacays to see family to have fun and be recharged. Purpose means being honest when and saying I’m not going bc I don’t feel like peopling.

The 40’s club hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. I have to deal with grief, anger and really realizing that people are people.

So even with the not so good, it’s good bc I’m learning daily to give myself the space to process and not feel as if I have to put on.

Cheers to 41…may it be another year of goodness, grace and growth!!!